Interview With A Vampire
Interviewer: Your name, it’s French isn’t it?
Levachenuit: (Sheepishly) It’s my nom de plume. It literally means The Night Cow. I am very fond of the French. They like cheese, sit all day in cafes, do not work too hard, and unionize everything so they can retire at 35. Even their unions have unions. What’s not to like ?
Interviewer: So, you are a vampire ? I must say you don’t look like a creature of the night. You seem , well, a little middle aged.
LeVachenuit: (exasperated) Actually, we refer to ourselves as “the nocturnally challenged“. Vampire is such a pejorative term. We’ve come a long way from the days of being stereotyped as blood suckers with thick Eastern European accents that sleep in our native soil. We have day jobs, coach little league, and have families.
Interviewer: So, how would I know that a person is “nocturnally challenged “? In the old days, we knew who you were – – Transylvanian accent, the mysterious ground fog, bat scat, hunchback helper, can’t see your reflection in the mirror, hates garlic, needing to be home by dawn or it would get messy.
Levachenuit: ( smiling and shaking head ) That’s all Hollywood. We come out during the day – – we just wear 45 plus sunblock. We hang out at Dunkin’ Donuts or Starbucks and we drink quadruple venti lattes, consume copious amounts of diet coke, have high stress jobs and prefer to eat standing up. We have health club memberships but never use them. We are not moderate creatures, we live for excess. Each night, the caffeine, acid reflux, and un-metabolised adrenaline from a stressful day creates a chemical firewall between ourselves and sleep. We become “the undead”, prowling our kitchens, surfing channels on the TV, foraging for food, and reading bad novels while our families sleep. We are usually between 40 and 80 years old. It’s lonely and not all that it is cracked up to be. Anne Rice completely missed the mark. Lestat was too young, too thin.
Interviewer: So, all that stuff about mirrors, garlic and crucifixes isn’t true ?
Levachenuit : Some of it. I wear a cross now and then for a little bling. It causes me eczema but nothing Cortaid can’t cure. We still avoid mirrors but do so because we can see our own reflections and usually do not like what we see. (touching his stomach) The nocturnally challenged, along with the rest of America, have gotten a little too
“prosperous“ for our own good. The undead really fall into four categories – – the eaters, the readers, the channel surfers and the bi-polar.
Interviewer: I assume you are an “eater” as you appear very “prosperous”. Your vampire predecessors – – Christopher Lee, Bela Lugosi, Frank Langella, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, even George Hamilton – all skinny guys, they must fall in another category.
Levachenuit : Yes. “ Eaters” love empty calorie foods like bread, cookies and donuts. Most of the older vampires are readers or channel surfers – – although, some like Tom Cruise, may be bi-polar. You would be amazed at how much we do when the “normies“ are asleep.
Interviewer: Normies ?
Levachenuit : That’s what we call the normal people. “ Normies” drink decaf. They fall asleep in five minutes. They eat fish for dinner and then have one bite of dessert. They say things like “look at the time, I have got to go to bed” or say “No thanks, I’m on a diet”. (Disgusted look)
Interviewer: Take us with you on a typical midnight prowl
Levachenuit : Well, I turn the lights down low. I watch TV and devour things that I would not normally eat when everyone is awake – – chocolate chips, marshmallows, cookie dough, cereal. I have specific foods that I eat to compliment certain late night programming – – talk shows ( pretzels and goldfish ), infomercials ( ice cream ), Cops
( hard candies ) and any Lifetime movie with Connie Sellica or John Tesh
( ladyfingers ). I make impulse buys when I see an 800 number. Last winter I purchased a “ Garden Weasel”, “ Ab Master”, the book on “ Miracle Cures that Drug Companies Do Not Want Me to Know About “ and a drink that promised I could have a colon more pristine than a computer clean room . I acquired eight mint condition sets of American Eagle dollars from QVC along with a replica of a ring worn by Ramses II during his brief reign in Egypt.
Interviewer: Why not take Ambien to help you sleep?
Levachenuit: I tried Ambien and woke up in Rhode Island riding in a car with Congressman Patrick Kennedy with twelve sliders from White Castle in my lap and a Butterfinger jammed in my mouth. Pat wasn’t in much better shape. (leaning in to interviewer and whispering ) He’s one of us too you know…
Interviewer: I had a suspicion about him. So, did your spouse or partner finally help you to escape the land of the undead?
Levachenuit: Yes. It came down to my doctor and my wife ganging up on me – a sort of vampire intervention. I was upset. At 2am, there was no competition for the Xbox. I now go to the gym. I get sleepy at 11pm. The headaches, hunger pangs and even the voices of hot dog vendors in my head have all stopped. I do miss “Cops” at 2am.
Interviewer: Any final words for those still roaming at night ?
Levachenuit: Channel Surfers: Channel 58 – Court TV, is a winner. Eaters: Never mix Mentos and diet coke. Readers: Read anything by Rush Limbaugh, you’ll get sleepy.
Bi-polars: don’t appear as a guest on Oprah – – nothing good can come out of it.