A Guide To The Golden State


California State Route 1 shield
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A Guide To The Golden State

Each August, we pack two shirts, shorts, swimsuits, flip-flops and a few pair of underwear and return like swallows to California to see family, dive into the emerald Pacific and run down our self esteem comparing ourselves to legions of cosmetically altered people who resemble clothing store mannequins.

As native Californians, we often hear friends planning a trip out West. It’s always good to get an insiders perspective. To help you maximize your trip and avoid unnecessary embarrassment, I offer a primer on the Golden State – it’s psychology, its citizenry and its odd etiquette.

First, a lesson in geography. California is a fractured amalgam, comprised of semi- autonomous regions similar to Spain — the country from which we initially stole California.  Its massive GDP makes the state the 9th largest economy in world with a current debt rating just above the Ukraine and Romania.  The regions are defined by geography and a maximum allowed number of Whole Foods stores.  These Baltic bastions include: Southern Cal, Central Cal, Northern Cal and all points north of Napa Valley.

Southern Cal extends from the Mexican border crossings east to Palm Desert and north to Malibu. Orange Counts and San Diegans take exception to this unilateral annexation of their regions but other than beaches, Marines, Fashion Island and a few amusement parks, Orange County and San Diego serve as Southern Cal’s pimped out basement.

LA is an area, not a place. NYC is a place but in La-La Land there is no center. Do not go to downtown LA.  There is nothing there but street urchins, Staples Center and New York restaurants. If you are going to stay in LA, stay in Westwood, Santa Monica or Manhattan Beach.  Beverly Hills is expensive and overrated.  Do not go to the San Fernando Valley – again, nothing there.

Do not go to Malibu thinking you will bump into Matthew McConnahey frolicking with his perfect body in the surf. His beach is private and the size of a postage stamp.  If you must go to Malibu, have dinner at the Saddle Peak Lodge in Malibu Canyon. It is a 1930’s hunting lodge set back in the Santa Monica Mountains. Order the bear or buffalo. Be sure to make your reservation between the annual fire and mudslide seasons.

If you must go to Venice Beach to see the orange, veiny psychotic people who roller skate while juggling chain saws, take one hour, leave the car running and then head south to Newport Beach to walk, lie out and body surf. Go to Balboa Island and the Fun Zone. Order Mexican food – this is where nachos were invented. Attend the Sawdust festival in Laguna Beach and see the Pageant of the Masters .

When you finally visit Southern California beaches, understand there is an implicit beach towel ” no fly zone” equal in length to the heighth of the largest adult in your party.  I am not sure what it is about the Coney Island syndrome where people must connect their towels in some grotesque quilt of humanity.  People from the East Coast and other countries seem to have no problem with family style sunbathing – choosing to lay their blankets within centimeters of another group of strangers.

In addition to enduring your major violation of sunbathing personal space, the offended party gets an unsolicited stereo concert of your family dysfunction as you scold your kids, talk about your sister-in-law and comment ad nauseum about the perfect weather.  This is in addition to witnessing your alabaster folds of manatee skin as you use an entire bottle of SPF 45 on your back.

Central California begins 50 miles north and inland once you descend the desolate stretch of I-5 known as the Grape Vine. The name is a misnomer as there are no grapes here, let alone flora of any kind.  It is appears that 1-5 may have been a US Army testing ground for the defoliant, Agent Orange.  In the spring these same barren hillsides of chaparral are a rolling ocean of tangerine poppies.  Think of The Wizard of Oz and the creepy wicked witch voice,” poppies, poppies..”

Inland Central California, aka the San Joaquin Valley, is the hub for earthquakes, mortgage defaults, agriculture and long, vacant stretches of interstate as uninspired and vacuous as Paris Hilton. The Central California coast between Malibu, up to Santa Barbara, San Luis Obispo and ultimately Big Sur, denies even knowing its inland sibling.  It is embarrassed to admit any affiliation and stands a bit like Barcelona and the Catalans – bold and independent. In 1968, Central Coasters attempted to create their own language but the Santa Barbarians could not unlock their jaws to enunciate the pronoun “dude” and the fleeting dialect died.

Northern Cal really begins at Carmel although geographically, San Francisco marks the center of the state.  Everything about Northern California is unique. It is home to academics, inventors, militant activists, people of every sexual orientation and Nancy Pelosi. Anything one could ever desire is within a two hour drive of San Francisco – which is quite a contrast to LA where a two hour drive gets you about five miles from Westwood to Marina Del Rey on the 405 freeway.

In a 200 miles radius, one can visit Yosemite, Lake Tahoe, Pebble Beach, Muir Woods, Sequoia National Park, and Napa as well as the Gold Country and Sutter’s Mill where in 1849, the face of America changed forever with the flash of a nugget in the rippling shallows of the American River. Northern Californians do not like Southern Californians.  So Cal steals their water through a mischievous artery called the California aqueduct.  And then just to spite them, Los Angelinos flush their toilets incessantly and keep the water on while brushing their whitened teeth. Angelinos are also arsonists, ritualistically starting brush fires each October because their homes have negative equity and they want to collect insurance.

San Francisco is ground zero for militant liberalism.  It is the most inclusive city west of Amsterdam and prides itself on sniffing out discrimination wherever its insidious tendrils may be taking root.  Legislation has actually been passed to protect the ugly (who is actually going to claim being hit with the ugly stick?), the overweight and the excessively sweaty.

The City is the home of brotherly love – literally, and it is a sight to behold when the gay pride parade courses through the Castro district.  Men dressed as high school flag girls work complex routines more adroitly than any of the girls that went to my high school. In this wonderfully nutty Eden, or Gomorrah, depending on your religious views, you can call a girl a “dude” and a guy a “chick”. It is a melting pot of ideas, cultures, mores and yes, Nancy Pelosi.

If you cross the Golden Gate, you enter magnificent Marin County home of the pony tailed, Birkenstocked aging hipsters who spike their own trees and grow their own produce.  They are Dead Heads, iconoclasts and counter-culturalists. To visit Marin and hike in the shade of twisted native oaks on Mt Tamalpais is to know serenity. If someone offers to sell you marijuana, do not accept the invitation. He/ she is most likely an undercover cop.  True Marin County residents grow their own “herbs” and give it away like tomatoes and zucchini to neighbors.

Once beyond Marin and through Napa – it gets a bit, how should we say, rustic?

You still have several hours along 1-5 to get to the Oregon border.  This is the true Northern California but most do not acknowledge it as anything other than the home of Sasquatch (Bigfoot), meth labs, pot farms and Mt Shasta.

A few simple tips when visiting the Golden State:

1) Never, ever say ” Callie” when describing the state of California.  “Callie” is the name of a 14-year=old golden retriever with bad hips. She is a horse one step from the glue factory that your children ride at a Bronx petting zoo.  To castrate the Golden state’s name is to defile it and show your provincialism with the excruciating effect of nails across a blackboard. Yes, it is a stupid and parochial reaction to an innocent abbreviation but hey, we cannot help it.

2) Do not, I repeat, ever refer to the City of San Francisco as “Frisco”.  Frisco is the guy Jack Wagner played on the soap opera “General Hospital”. Frisco is the name of a down and out character trying to change his luck on “Fantasy Island.” (The plane! the plane!)To a Northern Californian, when you reference San Francisco – you acknowledge it simply as ” The City”. I know most of you believe there is really only one “City” and it is called The Big Apple. However, there are two – and the other is a jewel by the bay.

To a Southern Californian, you are free to refer to San Francisco as the Bay Area or “that screwed up place where all the liberal nut jobs live and accuse us of stealing water.”

3) Do not get your colon cleansed, your tongue pierced or model for someone who promises to introduce you to Sting if you show a tad more skin. If driving and someone flips you off, just smile and wave.  They have a gun and have probably killed three people that same day.

In the end, do not feel out of place.  Everyone is from somewhere other than California. The difference is they are trying to be someone else. You, on the other hand, don’t care that you are wearing black socks, sneakers, and shorts and possess skin whiter than a harp seal.

Have fun and if you see Sting — give him my regards.

15 thoughts on “A Guide To The Golden State

  1. Clark Cunningham August 1, 2009 / 2:55 pm

    I think Frisco Jones was a General Hospital dude.

    Cheers!
    Clark-

    • Michael Turpin August 1, 2009 / 5:20 pm

      Good catch ! I now know what you were doing between 2pm and 3pm each afternoon.

  2. Karen Hatten D'Asero August 1, 2009 / 5:27 pm

    Love it Mike. You are so witty. I like your description of NoCal. You are spot on.

  3. Nick from the OC August 2, 2009 / 7:28 pm

    Nice job, Mike.

    I hate to break the news to you, but gold was actually discovered at Sutter’s Mill in 1848. Sutter tried to keep the news quiet and made it almost a year before word got out, thus starting the goldrush in 1849 and quickly ruining Mr. Sutter’s grand experiment, as his workforce deserted him to get rich mining.

    Sorry for the pedantry.

    Nick

    • Michael Turpin August 2, 2009 / 11:45 pm

      The beauty of having sophisticated friends is having multiple editors. I stand corrected !!!! But still stand as a native Californian

  4. Rick Starratt August 5, 2009 / 10:18 pm

    Mexico, not Spain. Professor Rood disowns you.

    • Michael Turpin August 6, 2009 / 1:38 pm

      Did Spain not ultimately control Mexico and underresourced their ability to hang on to their colony – choosing to remain bloated on tapas and sangria in Mexico City – allowing the mischievious likes of Sutter, Fremont and all those ” Men To Match my Mountains” guys to help purloin the Golden State ?

      Or was Mexico on its own by then ?

      • Michael Turpin August 7, 2009 / 1:54 am

        Yes, I stand corrected – Spain lost Mexico in 1821 and Mexico lost California later. Was the state in as much debt under a government based in Mexico City as it is under Sacramento ? Inquiring minds want to know….

  5. The Dude August 6, 2009 / 1:43 pm

    Greetings from the basement. Loved it and great seeing you in So-LaLa.

    • Michael Turpin August 7, 2009 / 1:52 am

      -Great seeing you as well. You have the pimped out room in the pimped out basement. Love to Cyd and the kids and a ” guten tag ” to Herr Luke. Perhaps he is on to something and rabbit droppings are a great exfolliant for the skin…It s like a sequel to a John Updike novel ” Rabbit Runs “

  6. Marjanne Pearson August 11, 2009 / 12:38 pm

    ROFL! Thanks so much for a great article. I’m a native Sequoian*: I was born in Stockton (Central Valley) but grew up in the City. I recently had the good sense to move to Sonoma County, which is less full of itself than Marin or Napa, and has much better weather than the City.

    *There is a history of proposals for Northern California’s secession, documented on Wikipedia (http://bit.ly/le52k). In the 1950’s, the new state would have been called “Sequoia.”

  7. Whitney O'Neill August 15, 2009 / 10:44 am

    While I definitely enjoyed this blog and agree with most of your descriptions, I live in Marin County and sadly, it is not how you describe. At least not in my neighborhood. Marin is now filled with BMW SUVs, lots and lots of young white people and 6,000 square foot homes. I’m sure there are hippies and dead heads living comfortably in their tiny shacks out in Fairfax, but the cost of living up here has sky-rocketed beyond belief.

    But thanks for a good laugh!

    • Michael Turpin August 17, 2009 / 1:15 am

      Alas, it has been several years since we have lived in the Bay area and it does not surprise me that Mill Valley is becoming like the Marina district. Somewhere Jerry Garcia is turning over in his grave…A ripple in still waters.

  8. Scott Wayne October 29, 2012 / 12:37 pm

    Awesome prose. But we did indeed liberate California from Spain.

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